transcripts
6. Bedroom Tricks and Scottish Blood
(Transcript by Alissa)
6. Bedroom Tricks and Scottish Blood
(intro)
-Again, that’s a little weird-
-Why?
-Because you have a baby sleeping in your bedroom!
-yeah a baby that I made with my bedroom tricks
(music)
-Ah how are you teacher Ben?
-Pretty good teacher Abe
-I’m feeling good it’s a beautiful day. I just feel full of life
-yes full of life
-bursting with life
-bursting with life
-Do you know water balloons?
-I do I used to play with water balloons when I was a kid
-yeah
-Balloons that you fill with water and you throw them at each other
-that’s right and they go SPLUSH!!
-yeah they are kind of the ultimate weapon in a water fight
-they are yes. some people would use water guns “super-soakers”
-squirt squirt
-squirt squirt
-you know what I do to you?
-what would you do?
-I’d squirt you right on your face
-Alright
-boom!
-then I drop off a couple bombs on you
-squirt squirt… I’d blast you right in the eyes
-well I’d make sure to keep my mouth firmly closed cuz I don’t like it in my mouth… face is fine. cheeks great, nose… but the mouth? no. so I’m bursting with happiness like a full of water balloon ready to explode
-wow what...
-cuz it’s Friday
-you’re saying you’re really excited
-yep
-you are so full of life and happiness
-I’m just ready to blow
-You are ready to burst
-I can feel... Can’t you see me? Do I look bigger today?
-no
-like my body?
-no but I can feel the happiness in your voice
-anyway welcome to my house this time. we’ve been recording in different places
and now we’re in my world
-We are! and that is why you might hear some heavy breathing …. no
-oh not mine
-not yours
-your dog
-Ah my dog!
-you know we call that heavy breathing like a dog?
-panting
-that’s right
-Panting
-panting
-kind of a sexy word… “panting” don’t you think?
-if you say it about humans
-yeah
-it sounds a little bit erotic
-yeah a little erotic, and also it sounds like panties a little bit
-like ladies underwear? panties?
-like I’m panting for your panties… you know what I mean?
-right, when I take your panties off you start panting
-yeah, you start panting
-weird
-that sounds like an order - when I take your panties off you start panting, okay?
-Is that what you tell your wife?
-yeah I don’t need to
-Do you write it down on a white board like a teacher?
-I don’t need to… She doesn’t let me
-Step one
-I don’t wanna talk about that, so stop it Abe! you never know my bedroom secrets
-Ah do you have many bedroom secrets?
-I do I do yeah. lots of raunchy secrets. maybe one day we’ll do a XXX episode
-that’s a little bit weird
-rated triple X for hot content
-that’s a little bit strange because
-welcome to the panty zone
-again that’s a little weird
-why?
-because you have a baby sleeping in your bedroom
-yeah, a baby that I made with my bedroom tricks, so the proof in the pudding as they say
-Is that... The proof is in the pudding
-right
-meaning that the results - the baby makes it obvious that you have good bedroom tricks
-well it’s evidence that I have had sex at least once in my life
-the proof is in the pudding
-yeah it’s an interesting expression
-your baby is proof of your effective bedroom techniques
-yes
-the proof is in the pudding
-that’s right and he’s like a little pudding
-yeah and your baby is the pudding
-my baby is the pudding and my wife is the oven
-so your baby is the proof about your XXX stuff
-yeah my dirty stuff
-you dirty boy you
-dirty Ben
-you and your bedroom tricks
-you know there is more than one big Ben in the world… ding dong
-you’re referring to the big clock in London?
-that’s right. the big clock in Lnodon
-I think it’s called the tower... isn’t it tower bridge ?
-that’s true yeah actually big ben is the name of only the clock
-the building and the bridge is called tower bridge
-that’s right
-and the clock is big Ben
-right the actual clock
-in the tower
-in the tower
-right got it
-I’d love to visit Big Ben one day
-would you?
-I’ve never been to Europe
-oh really?
-no
-I’ve only been once
-right oh only once?
-yeah
-only once
-poor thing poor Abe
-only once to Europe! Oh He lived a half life that Abe! only once to Europe
-Are you jealous?
-a little yeah
-you sound a little bit jealous
-I’m jealous I’m jealous
-I would love to visit Europe
-Really?
-Yeah because I wanna walk on the ground that my ancestors walked on
-you want to visit where your roots are from
-that’s right
-your distant relatives
-right cuz Australis is a pretty young nation in terms of European settlement same as Canada
-right, but I don’t care
-I feel like it would just be nice. just to see
-I don’t care about where my roots come from
-so you’ve been to Europe and you don’t even care and I haven’t been there and I do care
-my roots are from northern Europe
-Me too
-I’ve only been to southern Europe, Malta and Italy.
-right but you’ve got viking blood
-no
-if you say vikings I imagine Sweden Norway Denmark Finland kind of thing
-IE Northern Europe
-Scandinavia
-Isn’t that Northern Europe?
-No that’s Scandinavia I guess it’s part of Europe
-I think central Europe is France Italy Spain England... anyway
-My ancestors my roots are from England Island Scotland and then my mum’s side
is kind of German
-Oh some German interesting mix you’ve covered quite a few countries in Europe there
-Yep in Northern Europe
-Yeah well no cuz you are not from Scandinavia… whereas me I am
-Oh You really do have viking blood
-I do I do there’s some Polish which that’s eastern Europe
-That’s Northern Europe yeah
-North eastern thank you
-and there is some Norwegian and there is
-that’s viking
-that’s viking shit right
-that’s Scandinavian
-that’s huge swords and
-big canoes
-big canoes drinking and crushing people you know, If I was a viking I would be very respectful and polite to people. I wouldn’t crush them I would help them
-I think you know there were some vikings that were going around in canoes and fighting in the battles and killing their enemies
-they have a violent history
-right. Anyway I think you would be the guy who shines the boat like
-oh like cleans the boat?
-cleans the boat
-yeah well you know
-maybe you gather some nuts and wild vegetables
-these jobs are just as important cuz if your boat looks a mess then you’re in embarrassment, and if you don’t have nuts then what are you gonna snack on when you drink your victory beers so
-You don’t mind having a…
-caretakers roles? no. that’s an honorable position
-a caretakers role
-yeah
-anyway so your ancestors are from Portland and Norway
-and Scotland same as you! we both… we share Scottish blood Abe!
-Wow
-yeah
-so Portland Norway and Scotland
-Right
-and I’m England Ireland Scotland and Germany area
-Okay
-maybe close to Portland
-Right
-maybe
-Scottish brothers
-being from a very young country we don’t have a really clear identity. I used to feel really proud to be a Canadian… I still do a little bit
-yeah well you know you have a great country. I love my country too. I think we have a lot to be proud of in our countries
-they’re prosperous and peaceful
-prosperous you mean fairly wealthy
-yeah
-most people have a job
-right. healthy economy you know decent public services
-so good social systems
-right
-like education
-yeah I guess that’s a lot to be proud of
-sure
-but because I haven’t lived in Canada for a long time, I don’t really feel like I’m a part of it
-Ah you feel like you’re outside looking in through window
-yeah well I’m definitely I’m not proud of about being Scottish
-Come on lad!
-like I feel zero connection to Scotland
-yeah
-you know?
-me too
-even though my roots are from there
-Although sometimes you like to wear you address
It’s a bloody kilt!
it’s a kilt yes. mine’s more of an evening dress
-the Scottish style checkers or plaid design dresses that men wear
-yes
-they are called kilts
-a kilt, and underneath the kilt,
-you’re not supposed to wear underwear right?
-I don’t know it’s kind of a joke that scottish men don’t wear underwear
-like it’s a real man doesn’t wear an underwear
-yeah I think they are so hairy that the hair is like underwear
-they have like a nest
-yeah nest
-big red nest
-if you pull up the kilt it’s just like a red…
-an egg in a birds nest
-right
-but I don’t feel any pride or connection to my roots like the country of my roots because I’m not from there
-no
-and I think because I’ve lived outside of Canada for almost 20 years
-yes
-I think I’m also starting to lose a little bit of my connection or pride about
my mother country
-sure but you still keep in touch with current news in Canada?
-not really
-no?
-you don’t read Vancouver News paper?
-It’s boring. American News is so much more entertaining
-oh American news like a big juicy mango
-that’s the problem with Canada it’s very close to America
-yes
-so that’s why we don’t have like a really clear identity
-yeah I don’t… maybe you don’t think so but I see Canada as having a clear identity
-Maple syrup! Ice Hockey! Friendly! like…
-It’s the same with Australia there are a few stereo types
-yeah but Australia is like very isolated
-sure
-It’s an Island down there in a weird area and you have very unique animals and many things that are only in Australia. Canada is like snow! Ice! Hockey!
-right
-like it’s not that unique
-same for us we’re like beaches! kangaroos! barbecues!
-the thing I’m most proud of about being Canadian is that most people say oh Canadians are so friendly. that makes me feel really proud to be a Canadian
-I have had that experience most Canadians I’ve met are very friendly. couple of dickheads along the way, but I must have met thousands so you know… two out of a thousand
-and there are
-just trash. and the rest beautiful people and you Abe, you are the best! …so far
-thanks buddy!
-another Canadian might come along and steal your crown, but for now, but for now you are the top. The top Canadian
-I’m in the number one spot?
-You’re in the gold medal slot
-what an honor
-indeed
-thank you
-yes
-and I have to say Ben you are definitely in the...
-top 10? give me top… come on give me top 10
-top 10...no you’re number one
-number one! you guys heard it here first!
-you are definitely my favorite Australian
-Aussie aussie aussie number one number one… scorpion
-I feel like I used to have a blindfold over my eyes
-right
-I thought many things in Canada are the best!
-The best Syrups
-the best maple syrup for sure
-yeah that’s true
-that’s a hundred percent true
-some of the best snow
-but the thing that really opened my eyes that made me realize and start to think more and think for myself was the health care system
-Ah
-cuz many people praise the Canadian health care system
-okay
-they think wow Canada amazing you can go to the hospital and you don’t have to pay anything
-what’s the catch?
-you have to pay so much in taxes
-yes
-for everything! and even if you’re very healthy person you take care of your body
you don’t need to go to the hospital you have to pay just as much or more than someone who sits on the couch and drinks beer and eats potato chips every single day
-this is one of the arguments against universal health care for everybody I suppose
-right universal health care means everyone gets health care exactly evenly
-sure
-it’s a public system 100% public
-yes and there are good points for and against but it’s the same with many other parts of society there are always some people who do the wrong things or that society has to carrya little bit and
-so yeah the society has to pay for people who don’t take care of their body and smoke and drink and you know
-sure
-very unhealthy see and that’s fine that we have to pay a little bit
-right
-but if it’s completely free I don’t know I like the system in Japan
-do you?
-yeah I think it’s a very good in balanced system
-in Canada same in Australia you have to pay for health insurance through your taxes -right
-so it’s very blurry it’s not clear you don’t really know how much you’re paying for health insurance or
-yeah well this probably a list somewhere that breaks down exactly where your taxes are going
-I prefer to know who is taking what of my money and what it’s for
-right well I suppose if that’s what you want then you have that in Japan for medical but I think for the medical system I prefer the Australian style except one big but
-but
-in Australia dental is not covered so if you have a dental problem
-so if you have bad teeth you have to pay everything by yourself
Australia made a big mistake not including it
-everything else is fine if you need millions dollars of finest cancer treatments no problem but you need to fix one little hole in your sweet tooth well fuck you
-really? no help
-nope
-wow just for teeth
-emergency is covered
-If I take a baseball bat and I smash your right in your stupid Ben face
-right in the mush
-then it’s covered meaning you don’t have to pay for it
-you’d be surprised I would be covered to the point where I’m healthy again but to rebuild my teeth perfectly cosmetics would not be covered
-cosmetics meaning like how it looks
-yes so practical and cosmetic, so yeah, to look beautiful again… and my teeth are not pretty anyway, actually if you smash me with a baseball bat my teeth… it wouldn’t make much difference… it might be an improvement!
-Can I see your teeth?
-yeah not pretty. I’m missing a whole tooth
-they’re not terrible
-they’re not terrible
-I give you a 5.5 out of 10… No, I tell you what
-5.5 twinkle stars out of 10
I’ll be generous I’ll give you a 6. you’re only missing one tooth right?
-ah yeah but all my back teeth are metal
-oh wow
-most of them
-like a robot
-I can crush cans and cars sometimes if a car makes a mistake in front of me I get out of my car and bite that car
-you know what that’s called? It’s called road rage
-road rage
-yeah
-do you suffer from rode rage?
-I used to
-you used to?
-yeah I’m generally not a person who gets angry
-right
-really quickly or as we call short tempered
-right yeah
you’re a very calm dude
-generally
-yeah
-chill dude
-but it’s also because I was quite young when I used to drive. I used to get really angry when I was driving
-you were gripping the wheel really tight and
-yeah
-would you wind down your window and scream at people?
-not really it was a long time ago. I remember like hitting my steering wheel like fuck fuck
-hey you dumb moose!
-I don’t know why driving was something that I used to really get angry doing
-a trigger
-but I haven’t driven a car for 13 years
-13 years
-maybe longer 14 years
-not since the accident
-no I quit driving when I left Canada
-right
-the last time yeah
-Japan is a pleasure to drive in people are very polite and considerate and they drive according to the rules
-so they are better drivers than Australians
-oh much better much better
-really
-and much more polite
-it’s funny because in western countries people often make fun of Asian people and say that Asian people are bad drivers
-well they can be indecisive
-like oh no go ahead you go ahead
-no you go me go
-I go? and then you both go it’s you know it’s better in some situations if somebody just makes a decision. it’s safer that way
-right
-yes
-so you’ll get that hesitancy
-because people are so polite
-too polite
-but generally they’re very good drivers
-yes because they stick to the rules
-yeah they play by the rules
-they drive following the rules
-and they’re not as aggressive
-in countries where you have many cultures mixed together
-yes
-is where you get a lot of problems with traffic
-you know what you find?
-what?
-nothing but trouble
-road rage
-road rage
-road rage! Ben not happy
-when you get angry easily while driving
-so if you take a polite friendly driver and you put them in Los Angels or Melbourne
you have a bad driver in that context
-Ah I see
-in that society
-Just go!
-Just go!
-I see
-yeah
-I guess that makes sense
-yes
-yeah
-so Asian people are not bad drivers it’s all contextual
-it’s contextual
-Are you a proud Australian?
-Ah I love parts of my country but I hope in the future we think of ourselves as a planet a species not separated by countries and cultures and we move into space and we become an interplanetary civilization… just love each other
-that’s beautiful that’s beautiful yeah and I would say I’m a proud Canadian
-right
-but I’m passed the point where I’m blindly proud. well Ben off we go!
-into the sunset! let me just get my… untie my horse!
-into the weekend! TGIF.
-by the way, my horse’s name is Friday. Friday! Away!!!